Afterplay is the new foreplay
We all (hopefully) know what foreplay is- a series of activities that are designed to build desire, excitation and arousal for sexual intimacy. An emphasis on foreplay is especially important when trying to broaden the focus of sex away from penetrative intercourse.
As a psychologist working with clients experiencing low sexual desire, I encourage them to imagine that entire days can be spent in a state of foreplay with their partner. However, I believe that there is still an integral part of the sexual cycle that is neglected in this conversation- what happens after sex.
Let’s recall the moments after you last had sex. What did they look like?
Perhaps you immediately jumped out of bed to go to the bathroom to cool off?
Maybe you couldn’t help but check to see if any texts had come in on your phone?
Or, exhausted, did you roll over and go straight to sleep?
All of the above behaviours are natural, and at some stage, probably necessary things to do after sex. However, it is important to consider how these seemingly harmless behaviours may still have a significant effect on both you and your partner's sexual well-being.
I am sure that many of us can recall having amazing sex which was then swiftly let down by something as simple as your partner immediately rolling over and checking their Instagram. That’s because sexual intimacy creates a wash of hormones and chemicals that are designed to increase bonding between partners, leading to feelings of increased closeness and emotional vulnerability. To shift abruptly from this emotional high can feel a bit like whiplash.
In my therapy room, clients tell me that when their partner lavishes time or resources on the lead-up to sex at the expense of the post-sex recovery period, they can even end up feeling discarded or even used.
To help break this cycle, we need to prioritise the time after sex, coined ‘aftercare’ as an integral component of the sexual cycle.
The BDSM community have always known how important aftercare is. Submissive partners who experience a sudden ‘drop’ in their emotions after an intense interaction have even coined a term for this sudden emotional downturn- ‘sub drop.’ In this dynamic, the dominant partner is then responsible for emotionally and physically nurturing the submissive partner to restore a sense of emotional safety and to signal that the scene has concluded. After-sex care is especially important to restore feelings of connection or safety after power play or rough play.
But outside of the BDSM or Kink world, an increased focus on what happens after sex could be helpful to amplify the feelings of emotional intimacy created by sex. This is especially important if you or your partner have anxiety around sexual functioning, pain or discomfort with sex, or are recovering from sexual trauma.
Even in ‘casual’ sexual encounters, looking after your partner's emotional and physical needs after sex is a signifier of respect and appreciation, which lay the groundwork for increased sexual desire in the future. As such, I always say to my clients that ‘foreplay begins the moment you stop having sex’.
Good Aftercare benefits from good pre-planning.
Here are a few ideas of what you and your partner might like to experiment with:
Having a glass of water on the bedside table
If going to sleep, the alarm for the next morning could already be set to avoid phone checking
Having a damp cloth accessible to wipe up any fluids
A dedicated and protected time for cuddles/hugs/spooning, or alternatively being alone before coming back together
Having snacks or a meal prepared
Watching a favourite show together
Taking a shower together
So the next time that you and your partner want to get intimate, shift some of your focus from planning how to get into bed, to what you will do after.
The information provided in this post is for educational and informational purposes only and solely as a self-help tool for your own use. Reading or engaging with this post does not constitute a client-therapist relationship. Always seek the advice of your own Medical Provider and/or Mental Health Provider when making decisions about your own health
