Hey Siri- add sex to my calendar for Thursday night

To many couples basking in the glow of a new and exciting relationship, the idea of scheduling sex with their partner would seem unnecessary.

“Why bother? It just happens effortlessly. We can’t seem to keep our hands off each other!”

However, the period of intense infatuation at the start of a sexual relationship is primarily fueled by the intense wash of hormones that our bodies release in response to being attracted to someone new.

This increase in our sexual desire is hypothesised to be nature’s way of giving our chances of reproduction a head start.

However, it is entirely natural for the fiery hot passion of those first few months to reliably give way to something decidedly…cozier.

Once this shift has occurred, waiting until both of you are suddenly ‘in the mood’ for sex is risky. You may find that you are waiting for a very long time. Worst case scenario? Perhaps one of you will risk a perfectly healthy relationship to get their sexual needs met.

Thankfully, there’s a range of well-researched interventions that can help keep sexual intimacy a valued part of long-term couples’ lives- scheduling sex is one of them.

But it’s a little more nuanced than it looks at first glance.

In my practice as a psychologist, I recommend that instead of scheduling sexual activities, clients should instead experiment with scheduling a time dedicated entirely to being intimate with their partner.

The kinds of activities completed in this time are going to look different for each couple. For some, it could be taking a bath together or cuddling naked. For others, it could be kissing without any expectation of further sexual contact. It is simply allocating the space in which intimacy, romance, sensuality and emotional closeness can be prioritised. It is in this allocated space that sexual desire might begin to flourish once more.

Below are some of the common objections that I hear in my therapy room and my responses to each.

#1: We never had to schedule intimacy while we were dating. Why should we have to now?

I hear this all the time and yet I wonder if this is really true.

The early stages of dating are often marked by periods of intense wanting and wishing to see the other person. You may have counted the moments until when you could finally see them again. Dates were planned in excruciating detail from the outfit to the restaurant to the careful cleaning of the room in the hopes that you might be able to get your partner to see it.

What is this, if not the planning of intimacy?

Understandably, when couples move in together, the distance that is necessary for this feeling of ‘yearning’ is difficult to achieve.

A craving for the very feeling of craving (to want and to not have) is perhaps one of the primary motivators for starting an affair. I’m certainly not suggesting that my clients begin non-negotiated extramarital sexual activities to ‘bring back the spark.’ However, there is something to be learned from how people in affairs have mastered this art of ‘yearning’ for their forbidden other. A part of what makes the idea of an affair sexually stimulating is the idea of waiting and wanting until you will be able to see them again.

Could we bring this kind of energy to this allocated intimate time with your partner?

What would it look like if you considered this time to also be as valuable as a stolen moment with a lover?

#2 It will just be another thing on my to-do list

Laundry, kids’ birthday party planning, a pilates class if you’re lucky- I get it. There are so many things on each of our daily to-do lists that it may seem never-ending. Understandably, many of my clients worry that if they scheduled intimacy, it will ‘feel like a chore.’

However, let’s unpack some beliefs that might be under the surface here.

What we put on our to-do lists shows us what we care about. We have our meals planned, our workouts planned, and our time with friends planned.

If I waited to be in the mood to spontaneously go to the gym, I would never exercise. So instead, I look at my calendar and I choose a time to maximise my chances of success. The preparation and intention to commit this time reflect that it is important to my values.

If this kind of intentionality is the norm for every other aspect of our lives, why does intimacy remain one of the only parts left to stay in the sacrosanct zone of the spontaneous?

One of the strongest predictors of couples’ long-term sexual satisfaction is simply whether or not they both prioritise sex. Scheduling sex is a way to show this prioritisation in your relationship.

So let’s try to disentangle the idea that putting something on your to-do list means it’s boring or a chore- it simply reflects what’s important. If intimacy with your partner is important to you, put it on the to-do list.

#3 What if it gets to the scheduled time and I don’t want to have sex?

Then don’t have sex! Never have sex that you don’t want to have. Scheduling intimate time is not a binding contract and it's certainly not an indicator of consent.

Could you think of an activity with your partner that you might enjoy that helps you feel connected to them and increases the chances of getting out of your head and into your body? Focus less on sexuality and more on sensuality- what could help you feel grounded in your body for a few moments?

At the end of this allocated time, check in with yourself to see if you experienced some level of sensual or sexual pleasure. As sex educator Emily Nagoski says, “pleasure is the measure of sexual well-being,” not whether or not there was intercourse.

Have I sold you that it could be a good idea for you and your partner?

If so, here is how I suggest you go about it:

• Discuss a time in the week that is most likely to work for both of you. I’d suggest trying to have the same time each week at the start to build consistency but it can change if you both have highly changeable calendars.

• Problem-solve the common barriers that get in the way of creating a context of intimacy during this time in the past (e.g. make sure the dog is out of the bedroom, the kids are down for a nap or there isn’t an imminent work deadline)

• Actually add it to your shared calendar with your partner. Just as you would add that dinner with your in-laws, have this be a visual reminder that this time is important

• Build anticipation. I’m a big believer that foreplay happens the moment that the previous instance of sexual intimacy ends. This doesn’t stop when intimate time is scheduled. Remind your partner of how excited you are for this time together throughout the week and the day. Reflect on the ways in which you used to build anticipation for a date at the beginning of the relationship and try and invite that same energy to this time.

• Say no or reschedule events or invitations that pop up during this time. Treat it like an appointment that can’t be moved.

• Be flexible and non-judgemental about the kinds of intimate activities that take place. Penetrative intercourse is not the goal.

• Check-in with your partner about whether the timing/context was meeting your needs. Be curious about how you might schedule it next time to further facilitate meeting each other’s needs and desires.

There are many ways to stay sensually and sexually connected to your partner. However, the first step is to recognise that you don’t need to wait to spontaneously ‘be in the mood.’ You can schedule it.

Would you be interested in giving scheduling intimacy a try?

The information provided in this post is for educational and informational purposes only and solely as a self-help tool for your own use. Reading or engaging with this post does not constitute a client-therapist relationship. Always seek the advice of your own Medical Provider and/or Mental Health Provider when making decisions about your own health