What does an iceberg have to do with my sex life?
Many people come to my therapy room wanting to learn more about why they struggle with anxiety around sex.
Finding out the why of anxiety around sex is an important first step in creating a treatment plan to address psychosexual concerns.
In my practice as a psychologist, I’ve discovered that it can be helpful to reflect not just on the concerns about sex itself, but on how deep down those fears and associated anxieties actually go.
Imagine for a moment that all of your fears and worries about sex can be placed onto different layers of an iceberg. The concerns that are about sex can be seen at the tip of the iceberg. They are what is sitting on top of the surface. These fears can be easy to point out, they catch our attention and can often be noticed by other people.
However, research has suggested that only around 11% of an iceberg's total mass can actually be seen on the surface. Leaving 89% submerged and hidden from view.
The worries that lurk underneath the surface of the water can be quieter, harder to detect but often far more substantial (and scary!) than those on the tip of the iceberg.
For example, an ‘on the surface’ level thought like:
“What if I can’t keep my erection hard when we have sex tonight?”
is often indicative of a ‘below the surface’ fear like:
“What if I can’t sexually satisfy my partner and she loses interest in me?”
And that kind of fear is often a clue that an even deeper fear exists like:
“What if she leaves me?”
In my work, it’s common for clients to come to me with surface-level thoughts like the below:
What if I can’t orgasm?
What if I ejaculate too quickly?
What if I’m too tired to have sex?
Why don’t I get easily turned on?
What if I lose my erection?
Why don’t I experience desire for my partner like I used to?
However, when we unpack what they might fear could be true about themselves and their relationships, we can start to uncover these ‘below the surface’ fears:
What if they leave me?
What if they are having an affair?
There is something wrong with me
I’m doomed to a life without sexual pleasure
They don’t really love me
They aren’t really attracted to me
I’m not a real man/woman
My sex life is ruined forever
I must be ugly and unattractive
I’m a failure
I’m a disappointment
I’m useless
Given the strong influence that negative thoughts have on our emotional well-being and physical anxiety levels, it is no surprise that if we are thinking these thoughts, it’s a real challenge to engage mindfully in sexual experiences.
To begin to discover what might be driving your anxiety around sex, ask yourself and your partner the following question:
What are the fears about sex or our sex lives that might be beneath the surface for you?
